The Harry Potter Doom Lego's
by Trojan Snail
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione (with appearences by Draco) find some Harry Potter Lego's and insanity commences. A few curse words, and lots of violence, if you include FLUSHING as violence. (Yes, with a toilet) *Chapter Two Now Up!!*
1. The Doom Lego's Beginning

The Harry Potter Doom Lego's  
  
All standard disclaimers apply cause I really don't feel like writing a disclaimer. Besides, if I see one more overly-used 'don't sue me because you'll only get pocket lint' disclaimers, I WILL sue you for your pocket lint JUST to annoy you.  
  
(Just to let you know ~~ means hallucinations.)  
  
&%&%  
  
"Hey, Harry what are those?"  
  
"They're Muggle toys, Ron."  
  
"What are they called?"  
  
"Why, they're called Lego brand Lego's!"  
  
"Lego brand Lego's? Where can I get some, Harry?"  
  
"You can't Ron, because I hate you!"  
  
"Harry..?"  
  
"But, you can play with some of my Lego brand Lego's!"  
  
"Wicked!"  
  
"As long as you never say 'wicked' again!"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
And so Harry and Ron embarked on an amazing journey past Ron's chess set, past Hermione's books, past the Exploding Snap game that no one in particular owned, and finally reached Harry's Lego brand Lego's.  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Yeah, Ron?"  
  
"Why does that Lego look like me?"  
  
"It doesn't, you're just dumb."  
  
"No, look! It has bright red hair, freckles, and it's in Gryffindor!"  
  
"It could be some OTHER red-haired, freckled Gryffindor."  
  
"There's no such person."  
  
"..It's still not you."  
  
"Why is that, Harry?"  
  
"Because no one would bother making YOU into a Lego brand Lego."  
  
"Harry, you're scaring me today.."  
  
"Now this," Harry picked up another Lego, "this is me."  
  
"It looks nothing like you!"  
  
"Can't you see the scar?"  
  
"It could be some OTHER scar-bearing, messy-haired, glasses-tooting Gryffindor."  
  
"I sincerely doubt that."  
  
"Well it COULD be!"  
  
"See Ron, if this is you, how come you don't have a wand?"  
  
"It may be when my wand gets broken.."  
  
"That's a lame excuse."  
  
"Yeah? Well how come YOU don't have a wand?"  
  
"I do! It's right there!"  
  
"It's not! That's a pipe!"  
  
"Now why on Earth would I go around wielding a pipe?"  
  
"To beat people up with it?"  
  
"However tempting that may be, especially to a certain Slytherin weasel, I couldn't do such a thing."  
  
"Why the bloody hell not? Sounds like a good idea to me."  
  
"That's because you don't have a reputation to uphold. I am the great and powerful Harry Potter..and you're a Weasley."  
  
Ron chose to ignore that last comment.  
  
"Hey Harry.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Who's that guy? You know, the one with the glow-in-the-dark face?"  
  
"That's Snape."  
  
"Snape doesn't glow-in-the-dark."  
  
"How would YOU know?"  
  
There was a pause, then..  
  
"EWWWW!!! HARRY!!"  
  
Harry shrugged.  
  
"You can't really say that Snape's not glow-in-the-dark if you've never seen him in the dark before, now can you?"  
  
"Wait, I've got it!"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"The third book!"  
  
"Book?"  
  
"Year, I meant year."  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"Snape was unconscious in the dark as we brought him back up to Hogwarts after the whole Shrieking Shack mess."  
  
"So?"  
  
"He wasn't glowing!"  
  
"He may have since changed."  
  
".."  
  
"Oh, you know, some freak potions accident or something."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are you drunk?"  
  
"Not today, why?"  
  
"No reason."  
  
Ron proceeded to take the Harry Lego and ram it repeatedly into a wall of the Hogwarts Lego castle. While Ron was occupied, Harry grabbed the Snape Lego and covered it with one hand.  
  
"I'll be darned, he DOES glow!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Harry replaced the Snape Lego.  
  
"Hey Ron?"  
  
Harry Lego's hair popped off and Ron snapped it back on quickly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why is Hagrid Lego so much bigger than Harry Lego?"  
  
"He's not."  
  
Harry looked at Ron as if he was mad. And not mad as in angry, mad as in the British 'crazy' type. We're getting into the British spirit here.  
  
"Ron, stand Harry Lego up next to Hagrid Lego."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"But I don't want to."  
  
"Ron, Harry Lego's hair is on backwards."  
  
Ron turned Harry Lego's hair around and scowled. Harry swiped Harry Lego from Ron and set him next to Hagrid Lego.  
  
"Would you look at that, he IS bigger."  
  
"Yeah but, why?"  
  
"I'd imagine it's because he's so much bigger in real life."  
  
There was another pause.  
  
"He is?"  
  
"Don't be dense, Harry."  
  
"I try."  
  
Suddenly Hermione burst into the common room.  
  
"You're doing magic? Well, let's see then."  
  
"Uh Hermione.."  
  
"THAT'S a spell? Well it's not a very good one, is it?"  
  
"HERMIONE!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Let's start over again."  
  
Hermione skipped to the door. She waited a few seconds as Harry and Ron exchanged glances, then she burst back into the common room.  
  
"Hi, Harry. Hi, Ron."  
  
"Hi Hermione."  
  
"What's that you're playing with?"  
  
"They're called Lego brand Lego's."  
  
"I hate those things."  
  
"You're just jealous."  
  
"No, that's not it at all."  
  
"I know what it is."  
  
Hermione and Ron turned to Harry, who was looking smug.  
  
"It's because Hermione Lego is ugly."  
  
"SHE IS NOT!"  
  
Hermione and Harry turned to Ron, who was looking a bit embarrassed. Ron cleared his throat.  
  
"I mean to say, Snape Lego is way more ugly than Hermione Lego."  
  
"Well duh," Harry picked up Snape Lego, "that's because Snape is so much more uglier in real life."  
  
At that moment, a herd of rabid Snape fans ran by screaming insults and trampled Harry. Then they left without a trace except that when they slammed the door a painting fell off the wall and hit the now senseless Harry on the head. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.  
  
"And so I says to him, I says, Voldie, you can suck my---"  
  
"HARRY!!"  
  
"He's lost his mind, he has!"  
  
Hermione bitch-slapped Harry, who was snapped out of his unintelligent moment in a flash.  
  
"What hit me?"  
  
Hermione and Ron pointed to Draco Lego. Harry picked up Draco Lego and stared at him eye-to-painted-on-eye.  
  
"Oh, a wise guy are we?"  
  
Ron turned to Hermione accusingly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You let him get into the Floo Powder supply again, didn't you?"  
  
"I thought I had locked it!"  
  
Ron shook his head sadly.  
  
"You have to do more than lock it. You have to..well, no..locking it should keep him out."  
  
"Precisely!"  
  
"Maybe he's just gone mad."  
  
"Maybe he's gone off his rocker!"  
  
"Maybe he's had one too many blows to the head!"  
  
"Or maybe he's wondering why Draco Lego has a black pipe and he has a brown pipe."  
  
Hermione and Ron raised an eyebrow at Harry. Harry shrugged.  
  
"It's true."  
  
"But I thought you LIKED brown, Harry."  
  
"What? What gave you that impression? I HATE brown!"  
  
"But your broomstick is brown."  
  
"No it's not."  
  
"Don't tell me you got a new one?"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
Harry pulled out a Lego Broomstick that had come with Harry Lego. It had been messily painted.  
  
"Pink?"  
  
"It's better than brown."  
  
"TICKLE-ME-PINK?"  
  
"..It's better than brown."  
  
"Harry, you need serious help."  
  
"And I think you should lay off the Lego's for awhile."  
  
"NEVER!"  
  
Harry grabbed a bunch of the Lego people and held them protectively.  
  
"THEY'RE MINE, YA HEAR? ALL MINE!"  
  
Harry proceeded to cackle evilly.  
  
"MUHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Harry Lego's hair popped off again and hit Ron in the eye.  
  
"Ow, Harry! That hurt! Harry?"  
  
Harry was staring at his Lego's in wonder.  
  
"Ammo.."  
  
"Ammo?"  
  
"Uh oh..RUN!"  
  
Hermione and Ron ducked under the table just in time as Ron Lego's hair was seen sailing across the room.  
  
"HEEHEEHEE!"  
  
"Harry..you've had enough."  
  
"ASANTE SANA SQUASH BANANA WE WE NUGU MI MI APANA!"  
  
Hermione slaps Harry.  
  
"Sorry, Harry, you were just getting really annoying."  
  
"It's the Lego's I tell ya! They do something weird to your brain."  
  
The three stared warily at the Lego people. Snape Lego, Harry Lego, Ron Lego, Hermione Lego, Hagrid Lego, Dumbledore Lego, Quirrel Lego, Draco Lego, and McGonagall Lego stared back. Ron was first to recover.  
  
"Er..maybe we should just hide them."  
  
"No! They'll find their way back..these ones are smart!"  
  
"Oh Harry, let's just chuck them out a window or something."  
  
"And risk having them fall into the wrong hands?! NEVER!"  
  
Images of Snape sitting in his dungeon playing with Harry Lego and tearing his arms off flashed in everyone's minds.  
  
"We could always flush them."  
  
That seemed the only sensible thing to do. So Harry, Ron, and Hermione gathered up the Lego people and made their way past Ron's chess set, past Hermione's books, and past the Exploding Snap game that no one in particular owned and came across the bathroom. Or the loo. Or whatever the British call their johns.  
  
Unfortunately, Harry slipped and hit his head on the doorknob. He started to hallucinate.  
  
~~The Lego people all jumped up and started to sing:  
  
We represent the Doom Lego Guild The Doom Lego Guild The Doom Lego Guild! We represent the Doom Lego Guild!! And we welcome you to Bathroom Land~~  
  
"Harry? I think he's out of it!"  
  
Harry opened an eye.  
  
"Why'd you wake me? I was having the most wonderful dream!"  
  
"Tell us about it later. We have to flush the Lego people."  
  
"But..the Lego people are my friends! Now I see that they weren't meant to cause harm."  
  
"They weren't?"  
  
"He's out of it."  
  
"They were meant to dance and frolic and sing Wizard of Oz parodies."  
  
"HE'S BLOODY OUT OF IT!"  
  
"Quiet, Ron."  
  
~~Dumbledore Lego: "Click your heels together three times and say, 'I wish I was a girl. I wish I was a girl."~~  
  
"I wish I was a girl.."  
  
"Harry?!"  
  
"Dumbledore told me to do it!"  
  
"By Dumbledore do you mean the leprechauns in your head that tell you to burn things?"  
  
"Now why would I do a silly thing like that?"  
  
Hermione and Ron blinked simultaneously.  
  
"Come on, Harry, let's flush them already!"  
  
"But not Draco Lego!"  
  
"Why the bloody hell not?"  
  
"I've grown to like Draco Lego."  
  
"He was the one that hit you!"  
  
Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance, both of them realizing that if they had not blamed Hermione's bitch-slap on Draco Lego, Harry would not be considering the Lego people as evil beings and they would not be trying to flush them. Then again, Dumbledore Lego DID subliminally tell Harry that he wished he was a girl..which is bad, I guess. Cho would be upset.  
  
Hermione and Ron looked over at Harry to see him hugging Draco Lego. At that moment, a heard of rabid Draco fans knocked politely at the bathroom door and asked if a Mister Harry Potter was in here. Harry asked what they wanted. They told him that they would like to trample him and scream insults and then drop a painting on his head. Harry told them, "No, go away" so they happily agreed and left.  
  
While Harry was momentarily distracted, Hermione and Ron dropped Dumbledore Lego, McGonagall Lego, and Hagrid Lego into the toilet in no particular order.  
  
FLUSH.  
  
"No!!!"  
  
"Don't worry, Harry, it was only Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Hagrid."  
  
Pause.  
  
"HAGRID?!"  
  
"WE KILLED HAGRID!"  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
"SHUT UP HARRY!"  
  
"Well there's no use trying to fish them out now."  
  
"Shame, really."  
  
"But, HAGRID!"  
  
"SHUT UP HARRY!"  
  
Hermione picked up Ron Lego but Ron quickly took it from her.  
  
"Oh Ron, you're not getting cold feet now are you?"  
  
"He's special to me.."  
  
"Baby."  
  
"Know-it-all."  
  
"Sidekick."  
  
"Romantic Partner."  
  
"I am not!"  
  
"Pfft, keep thinking that."  
  
Hermione snatched up Ron Lego and flushed him.  
  
"NO!!! YOU KILLED RON!"  
  
"No big loss."  
  
"Harry, you know you're freaking me out today."  
  
"Yeah, I know. Fully intended, I assure you."  
  
Ron arched an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well there goes Harry Lego!"  
  
FLUSH.  
  
"Eh, no biggie. He was kind of evil, and his hair never stayed on."  
  
"Yeah, the conceited little brat."  
  
"Well I never went so far as to say THAT.."  
  
"Yeah but we did."  
  
Harry took Hermione Lego.  
  
FLUSH.  
  
"HAHA! The joke's on you! Hermione Lego was ugly!"  
  
"You admit it!"  
  
"Um..no.."  
  
"Yes! Yes, you did! Just now!"  
  
"No..I..I didn't.."  
  
"YES!!"  
  
FLUSH.  
  
"DRACO!!! YOU FLUSHED HIM!"  
  
"Yeah I know, but you deserved it."  
  
"WHY, DRACO, WHY? DRACO.."  
  
Harry broke down sobbing just as the real, non-Lego Draco stepped into the bathroom holding a magazine.  
  
"Can't a hottie have any privacy?"  
  
"DRACO!!"  
  
Harry sniffed and stopped sobbing, and pointed to the toilet.  
  
"SHE FLUSHED YOU!"  
  
"She WHAT me?!"  
  
"YEAH! AND IT LOOKED NOTHING LIKE YOU AND IT REMINDED ME OF COLIN CREEVEY..OR CREEVY..I CAN'T SPELL HIS NAME BUT THAT'S WHO IT REMINDED ME OF AND I LIKED HIM AND SHE FLUSHED HIM!"  
  
"You flushed me, Granger?"  
  
"No! It was a Lego!"  
  
"What the poot's a Lego?"  
  
Hermione held up the last remaining Lego's, Snape Lego and Quirrel Lego. Draco eyed Snape Lego, frowning.  
  
"Snape doesn't glow-in-the-dark."  
  
"HOW THE POOT DO YOU KNOW?!"  
  
"Because I've..uh.."  
  
The three Gryffindors stared down Draco.  
  
"GOTTA RUN!"  
  
Draco ran off, dropping his magazine. Ron picked it up.  
  
"Weasel's Weekly?"  
  
Hermione and Ron shrugged at each other, and Harry would have shrugged had he not been hallucinating again.  
  
~~Quirrel: "The squirrels are coming hooray, hooray! The squirrels are coming hoorah, hoorah!"~~  
  
"The Quirrels are coming huzzah, booya!"  
  
Hermione turned to Ron.  
  
"Would you like to do the honors?"  
  
"My pleasure."  
  
Ron grabbed Quirrel Lego and tossed him you-know-where.  
  
FLUSH.  
  
"YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!"  
  
"Harry, chill.."  
  
"Yeah..I mean, Quirrel was a bit..evil."  
  
"So who's to say that Quirrel Lego wasn't evil too?"  
  
"True.."  
  
An awkward silence followed as the three kind of just looked at Snape Lego.  
  
"Snape isn't evil."  
  
"He's like one of those anti-hero type guys."  
  
Silence, then..  
  
"Nah."  
  
"No, he's evil."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Harry, he hates you."  
  
"But he's not EVIL! He's misunderstood!"  
  
Ron took Snape Lego and dangled him above the toilet.  
  
"But you wouldn't mind if I happened to drop him, would you?"  
  
".."  
  
"..Harry?"  
  
".."  
  
"HARRY!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
~~Snape: "Raindrops are fallin' on my head. But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red."~~  
  
"I guess we could keep him as a pet."  
  
"A Lego pet?"  
  
"Sure, why not?"  
  
"I suppose we wouldn't have to feed him or anything.."  
  
"Or walk him.."  
  
"Or change his newspapers.."  
  
There was a pause, then..  
  
"EWWW!! HARRY!!  
  
Harry shrugged.  
  
~~Snape: "You'll never get me lucky charms!"~~  
  
"Hehe, you go Lucky."  
  
"Um.."  
  
"Don't bother, Hermione. I've learned just to let it go."  
  
~~Snape: "In the castle, the age-old castle, Harry flushes Ron. In the castle, the age-old castle, Harry flushes Ron. AWEEEEEE!!!!"~~  
  
"A Pumbaa bum da way..AWEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
FLUSH.  
  
Hermione, Ron, and Snape Lego grinned deviously. Harry would have grinned, but..well..you know. His head was currently lodged down a toilet.  
  
&%&%  
  
Yes indeed.  
  
And there you have it. My first one-shot. Usually I get so sidetracked that I just say, "To Be Continued" and go off on another fic. But not this time. Oh no, this time I actually FINISHED A COMPLETE THOUGHT! Although you can't really call this a complete thought..so..NYAH!!  
  
Go forth, young child, and review.  
  
PUH-LEASE.  
  
I might even have a sequel if it is liked well enough.  
  
*\o/* Hehe, look, a cheerleader. (^ ^) (^ ^) (^ ^) IT'S KIRBY! C'mon, you know! Kirby! The pink guy! That..eats..people.. 


	2. The Monkees and The Beatles

The Harry Potter Doom Lego's  
  
Alright, I hate to have to do this but I recently found a VERY SIMILAR Harry Potter Lego's fanfic so here goes: This is MY work. Not YOUR work. MINE. Do not steal ANYTHING from my work. Especially if, in doing so, you get 10 more reviews than I do. .  
  
(PS: Thank you Rat for the main idea of this chapter!)  
  
&%&%  
  
Somewhere in a far off land, in a far off third corridor bathroom, in a room that was supposedly 'Out of Order', Moaning Myrtle got a wonderful surprise.  
  
"...Are these...Lego Brand Legos?"  
  
Indeed they were. As luck would have it, Hogwarts had a very kooky plumbing system. Either that or Legos just didn't fit through pipes. Whatever the cause, the infamous Legos (minus Snape Lego) had backed up into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Or loo. Or privy. Or john. Yeah, john, we'll stick with john.  
  
"Booya! Look, I can make Dumbledore Lego dance..dance, Dumbly, dance!"  
  
Moaning Myrtle startled herself when she realized she was actually having fun and not dehydrating herself in the process so she quickly began sobbing some more. Unfortunately, her tidal wave of tears floated all the Lego Brand Legos out of the girl's bathroom and right back into the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"Harry..LOOK!"  
  
"What? What?"  
  
"OH NO! IT'S HIDEOUS! IT'S HORRIBLE! IT'S REALLY BAD!!"  
  
"Er?"  
  
"Damnit Harry, just LOOK already!"  
  
Harry looked. And then there was a pause as his tiny brain processed the image of the Lego Brand Legos. And then it took a little while more before his brain sent a command to his mouth to scream. And then several minutes passed. And then Harry screamed bloody murder.  
  
"..AHHHH!!!"  
  
Hermione, Harry, and Ron began running around wildly, flailing their arms about in an attempt to scare the Lego Brand Legos off. At least, Hermione and Ron were trying to scare them off. Harry had just followed suit because it looked like fun.  
  
"I don't think it's working, Ron.."  
  
"Yeah, they're still here.."  
  
"The ants go marching three by three hoorah, hoorah.."  
  
It took a little bit before Hermione and Ron realized that Harry had called them ants, but they decided to disregard it.  
  
"The ants go marching four by four.."  
  
"Now that was uncalled for, Harry."  
  
"Hermione's right, there are only three ants marching."  
  
"No, there are four."  
  
They looked. And they saw. But Harry was wrong. There weren't four ants marching. There were twelve.  
  
"THE LEGOS!!"  
  
"Oh drat, I thought our random screaming and flailing about like idiots would scare them off!"  
  
"You kin take away me hope, but you'll ne'er take away me freedom!"  
  
"Dude, Harry, lay off the Floo Powder."  
  
"And lay off the Scottish accent. It doesn't work for you."  
  
"But..but British accents are out, man! Party to the foreigners!"  
  
Hermione and Ron coughed and looked away. But, when they looked away they saw the Lego Brand Legos. And then they started flailing about some more.  
  
"Didn't we flush them, Ron?"  
  
"Apparently we didn't flush them hard enough."  
  
"Gather them up! Let's try it again!"  
  
"No, we need a new method of attack.."  
  
Hermione and Ron ducked behind a couch to devise a plan. Harry continued running around. He told the others he was guarding the fort. The others suspected he just wanted to act like an idiot. After all, acting like an idiot is FUN.  
  
"I have an idea."  
  
"Okay, Ron."  
  
Ron peeked his head over the top of the couch at the Lego Brand Legos. Then he stuck his tongue out and said "Nyah!" There was a muffled shriek.  
  
"Ron! Ron, what happened?"  
  
"The thupid thamn Lego bit meh!"  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"The thupid thamn Lego bit meh! What more do youh need?!"  
  
Hermione ventured a look at Ron. Harry, though concerned, felt no need to stop acting like and idiot and continued running.  
  
"..HAHAHA!"  
  
"Thit's not funny!"  
  
Ron Lego had clamped down onto Ron's tongue, giving Ron quite an amusing lisp. Hermione proceeded to laugh at Ron's expense.  
  
And here she goes.  
  
"HAHAHA!"  
  
And there she went.  
  
Somewhere in the background, Harry's idiotic running came to an abrupt halt as he ran straight into a stone column. He again started to hallucinate.  
  
~McGonagall Lego: "If I could fall into a pie, do you think time would pass me by?"~  
  
"A very intriguing question, Minerva."  
  
"Oh no..HE'S HALLUCINATING!"  
  
Ron, being unable to speak since a tiny Lego Brand Lego was clamped onto his tongue, simply opened his mouth wide and smacked a hand to each side of his face in the classic "Home Alone" pose.  
  
"Perhaps if we put a helmet on him, he wouldn't conk his head so often."  
  
Ron, being unable to speak since a tiny Lego brand Lego was clamped onto his tongue, merely nodded in response.  
  
"Oh Ron, this is silly."  
  
Hermione took hold of Ron Lego and pulled him. Ron said "ow" and Ron Lego would have said "wee" if his mouth wasn't painted on. Ron Lego sailed across the room and hit Crookshanks. Crookshanks then hissed and spitted about how there wasn't a Crookshanks Lego.  
  
"I think my tongue is swollen.."  
  
"At least you can talk."  
  
"Which is more than we can say for Harry."  
  
Harry was currently slumped against a wall, staring drunkenly ahead, probably hallucinating.  
  
~Dumbledore Lego: "Oh give me a home, where the hippogriffs roam, and the Great Hall's enchanted ceiling is cloudy all day!"~  
  
Strangely enough, Hermione and Ron were getting used to Harry always being high on Floo Powder. They decided to leave him to his own devices, which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it got him out of their hair for a bit.  
  
"Ron, are the Legos still there?"  
  
A random Lego flung itself into the air and hit Ron on the back of his head.  
  
"I think so."  
  
"Oh Ron, what are we going to do?"  
  
"We could bring in a new character!"  
  
"Ron..? How would that help---"  
  
"RELEASE THE METEORS!"  
  
"Er.."  
  
"Oh wait, I haven't captured the meteors and made them my slaves yet."  
  
"I'll put it on your to-do list right after 'Declare war against the pineapples of South Dakota' and 'Smother illegal french-fries across the rivers of Calcutta.'"  
  
"Would you? Thanks, big help there."  
  
"Alright General Freckle, Colonel Bushy, what do we plan to do about the opposition?"  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Shh, Colonel Bushy, you will now address me as Captain Scar."  
  
"Oh haha, like the Disney villain."  
  
Captain Scar glared.  
  
"No, General Freckle, NOT like the Disney villain."  
  
"Ahem, right. So, Captain..er..Scar, what do you purpose we do about the Legos?"  
  
"First of all, Colonel Bushy, we must give them a codename."  
  
"Must we?"  
  
"We must. After much careful planning, the Lego Brand Legos shall now be referred to as the Beatles."  
  
"The Beatles? As in the bug?"  
  
"No, Colonel Bushy, NOT as in the bug."  
  
"But why would we want to take our anger out on a classic music group?"  
  
"Don't ask me, Colonel, it was all decided during the careful planning."  
  
"What are we supposed to call ourselves?"  
  
"We shall now be referred to as the Monkees."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Captain Scar."  
  
"Captain Scar?"  
  
"Yes, General Freckle?"  
  
"What is it with you and classic music groups?"  
  
"I happen to like them, do you have a problem with that, General?"  
  
"Oh not at all, erm, sir."  
  
"Right. So is that clear, Monkees?"  
  
Ron snickered.  
  
"The Monkees, lead by Captain Scar, are going to take on the Beatles in the Gryffindor Common Room because we have no life and because we are ditching our classes entirely. What's not to understand?"  
  
Harry obviously missed the direct sarcasm.  
  
"Glad we see eye to eye, General."  
  
The Legos---er, Beatles, were slowly closing in on our heroes the Monkees. Even though Harry, Ron, or Hermione had never actually seen the Legos move, they knew that they were alive, so very alive, and apparently extremely evil.  
  
"We're going to need a distraction, Captain."  
  
"What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?"  
  
A fast jungle drum beat ensues and suddenly Harry is wearing a grass skirt, lei, and, even more shocking, a coconut bra.  
  
"LUAU!"  
  
"No, Harry---I mean Captain Scar---don't you think that's a bit drastic?!"  
  
"You're right, I could have done without the coconuts.."  
  
Hermione adverted her eyes.  
  
"I was thinking more along the lines of someone shouting 'Hey you! Yeah you! Look at me you big stupid fat Lego!', but..I suppose your idea works too."  
  
"We wanted to kill the little buggers, not scar them for life, Hermione."  
  
"Colonel Bushy."  
  
"Harry, I want a new codename."  
  
"You'll get what you get, Colonel Bushy."  
  
"Well can you at least take off the Hawaiian ensemble?"  
  
Harry considered this.  
  
"..No."  
  
"Oh great. Now our leader is insane, high, addicted to Floo Powder, possibly sadistic, AND a transvestite. Will it ever end?"  
  
"I am not a cross-dresser, General Freckle. I just happen to like the sound my skirt makes when I twirl. Teeheehee!"  
  
Harry proceeded to twirl. Ron broke down and sobbed.  
  
"Why, Harry, why?!"  
  
Hermione, patting Ron comfortingly on the shoulder, turned and looked into the camera. (Camera? What camera?)  
  
"Getting Revenge on Lego Brand Legos: The Anti-Drug."  
  
Ron sniffed and wiped his eyes.  
  
"I'm over it."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Hey.."  
  
"Yes, General Freckle?"  
  
Ron had just realized something.  
  
"Where did the Legos---"  
  
"Beatles."  
  
"Where did the Beatles go?"  
  
The Monkees looked at the space previously occupied by the enemy. It was void of any Lego Brand Legos. The Monkees panicked.  
  
"You were supposed to keep an eye on them!!"  
  
"What, while you pranced around in your feminine clothing?!"  
  
"I was preoccupied! Naturally, you two should have taken over my position!"  
  
"Oh yeah, right, NATURALLY."  
  
"Boys, we have a more pressing matter here!"  
  
Harry and Ron looked at Hermione. She was covered in Legos. Obviously, the Beatles had recruited some new members in honor of the second book. Mainly Gilderoy Lockhart Lego (BOOYA!), Voldemort Lego, Tom Riddle Lego, Ginny Weasley Lego, Fred Weasley Lego, George Weasley Lego, and some others whose names are not worthy enough to be written down. However, Snape Lego was not among the mass.  
  
"Colonel!"  
  
"Hermione!"  
  
"AH!! BEATLES GONE MAD! BEATLES GONE MAD!"  
  
"Quick, get them off!"  
  
"Fire in the hole!"  
  
"What?! Harry, NO!"  
  
BOOM.  
  
"Oops, missed the target."  
  
"Meow!"  
  
"Crookshanks!!"  
  
"Cat down!"  
  
"Leave him, leave him!"  
  
Cue the Mission Impossible theme music.  
  
Cue dramatic slow motion action.  
  
Harry and Ron, Captain Scar and General Freckle, quickly (yet slowly since we are in slow-mo) made their way to Hermione a.k.a. Colonel Bushy, dodging chairs, narrowly avoiding curtains, and coming just out of the way of end tables. Once the two were finished their battle with the sofa pillow, they had reached Hermione and began throwing Lego Brand Legos off of her.  
  
"Colonel, are you alright?"  
  
"Their hands were everywhere!" Sob.  
  
"Get a hold of yourself, man! We have a war to win!"  
  
Sniff. "Okay!"  
  
The Monkees made base behind a conveniently-located statue of Mortimer the Moody.  
  
"So, what's the game plan?"  
  
Hermione and Ron looked to their leader.  
  
"What? Don't look at me. I was the one who made up the codenames!"  
  
"..In other words, we HAVE no game plan?"  
  
"Well, I kind of assumed you two could do all the actual planning and whatnot."  
  
"Let's see then. Maybe we could dive-bomb them from above."  
  
"Yeah, sure Hermione, we could just fly up to the ceiling and drop water balloons."  
  
"No, that's silly. We could take one of Hogwarts' secret passages."  
  
Silence.  
  
Hermione sighed.  
  
"Hogwarts, a History."  
  
"You know, I don't think there IS such a book."  
  
"Is too!"  
  
"Yeah, and Hermione has committed every single word of it to memory."  
  
"..So what if I have?"  
  
"Back to this secret passage nonsense, if you please, Colonel, General."  
  
"Well, in Hogwarts, a History, it says that the statue of Mortimer the Moody is actually an entrance to the secret passage above Gryffindor Common Room. We could use it to attack the Legos---"  
  
"Beatles."  
  
"We could use it to attack the Beatles from above."  
  
"That's all good and dandy, but what are we going to attack them with?"  
  
"We could throw Lord of the Rings Legos at them."  
  
"Oh, the irony."  
  
"No, Dumbledore banned all LOTR-related merchandise. He's obviously a bit jealous of Gandalf's beard."  
  
"Personally, I think Dumbledore has the nicer beard."  
  
"Harry, Hermione, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss immortal geezers' facial hair."  
  
"True but it's so much fun! Teeheehee!"  
  
Swiiiasch.  
  
"Wow Harry that DOES make a cool sound when you twirl!"  
  
"Told you."  
  
"Wait, Captain I just remembered what an important day today is."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Today is the rarely-acknowledged Second Annual National Unibrow Day."  
  
"Is it?"  
  
"I think we should acknowledge this rarely-acknowledged holiday as we go into battle."  
  
"How so, Colonel Bushy?"  
  
Hermione magically summoned three hair pieces, one jet black, one brown, and one red. She fitted the hair pieces on to the corresponding person's eyebrows.  
  
"There!"  
  
"Is this a.unibrow?"  
  
"Why yes it is! Now, onward!"  
  
Hermione lead the troop into the statue of Mortimer the Moody.  
  
"Ow."  
  
"Well, maybe we weren't supposed to just walk INTO the statue. Perhaps there's a secret door? Or a magic word?"  
  
"This is pointless. General, just kick the bloody thing."  
  
Ron kicked the statue.  
  
"Ow, my toe!"  
  
"Haha, you fell for it."  
  
"Aren't we supposed to be acting serious here?"  
  
"You're right, Colonel. Let's be serious. General, kick the statue again."  
  
Ron kicked the statue.  
  
"Ow! Damnit!"  
  
"Wow, this is just way too easy."  
  
"I think I know the magic word, Monkees."  
  
"Then be my guest, Colonel."  
  
"Open Sesame! ..No?"  
  
However obscure Hermione's reasoning was, it was correct in the way that Mortimer the Moody suddenly burst into tiny pieces, revealing none other than a secret passageway that lead straight to the Gryffie Common Room ceiling.  
  
The Monkees crawled through the duct, then remembered that they had nothing to throw down, then crawled back out the duct, grabbed some ammunition (namely a fireplace poker, some random cushions, and a bowl of mixed nuts that was some kid's lunch), and crawled back through the duct until they came to a convenient landing.  
  
"Alright," said Harry, taking a few nuts and steadying his aim, "take out their leader and the rest will follow."  
  
"Which one's their leader?"  
  
"..Look, I made up the codenames; I'm not supposed to do EVERYTHING here."  
  
"You could help a little!"  
  
"I could."  
  
"Alright, alright, alright..just aim for the biggest."  
  
"Hagrid?"  
  
"Whatever works."  
  
An almond and two pistachios were thrown from a removed ceiling tile and Hagrid Lego fell off the coffee table he was currently residing on and to the floor. This was a massive loss for the Beatles, as Hagrid Lego was the only Lego who possessed the ability to knock over slightly bigger objects.  
  
"Ha, bet those damned Beatles are just about ready to surrender by now!"  
  
"Harry---"  
  
"Captain---"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, we know. Captain Scar, do you honestly think that the Beatles are going to throw the towel in just because they can't knock over slightly bigger objects anymore?"  
  
"..Yes. Yes I do."  
  
"We're doomed."  
  
"If I had a sickle for every time I heard THAT.."  
  
"Look, General, Captain, we're not going to win this thing if all we do is talk to each other in the Gryffindor Common Room ceiling."  
  
"True, Colonel Bushy, but, in your opinion, do you think we are going to win this thing by throwing legumes at tiny Lego pieces?"  
  
"It seemed like a good idea.."  
  
"We took out Hagrid Lego.."  
  
"I think we need to throw something bigger."  
  
Harry grabbed Ron.  
  
"No! I meant like..er..walnuts?"  
  
"Maybe we should lay off nuts."  
  
"I agree, I think the squirrels are starting to get jealous.."  
  
"Why do you say that, General Freckle?"  
  
"Oh, um, no reason. It's just..the squirrels seem to be attacking my leg."  
  
".."  
  
".."  
  
"..AHHHHH!!!"  
  
"GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!!"  
  
"THROW THEM AT THE BEATLES!!"  
  
"BOMBS AWAY!"  
  
"SQUEEEEEEEEAK!"  
  
The unfortunate squirrel landed on several of the Beatles.  
  
"These work so much better than nuts."  
  
This was good, since Ron had been chowing down on the salty delights for the past few minutes and their supply was almost gone. Oops.  
  
"Take aim..FIRE!"  
  
Another nut-loving squirrel was tossed down onto the unsuspecting Lego Brand Legos. Don't worry; no squirrels were harmed in the making of this fanfic, since all squirrels land on their feet. ..Right?  
  
"FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"  
  
Harry had gone a bit fire-happy.  
  
"Harry---oh all right, Captain Scar, I think we're out of squirrels."  
  
"Then attract them with more nuts."  
  
"I think we're out of nuts."  
  
"Well, what DO we have to throw at the Beatles?"  
  
There was a long pause before Harry spoke again.  
  
"I'll assume that your uneasy silence means we have no more ammunition. NOW can I throw General Freckle?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"We're doomed."  
  
Harry was one sickle richer. That is, if he would have been one sickle richer if he actually DID gain a sickle every time he heard that he was doomed.  
  
"Wait..I think we're saved.."  
  
"Now why would you think a thing like that, General?"  
  
"Well, look at the Legos---"  
  
"Beatles."  
  
"Look at the Beatles."  
  
They did.  
  
Except there weren't any Beatles left standing, they were all scattered across the floor.  
  
"HOORAY!"  
  
"HUZZAH!"  
  
Ron jabbed Harry with a finger.  
  
"Come on, Captain, let out a cry of triumph with us! Captain?"  
  
Harry was no where to be seen. And then they heard it. FLUSH.  
  
"OH NO!!"  
  
"HARRY!!!"  
  
Hermione and Ron scampered back out of the secret passageway and ran over to the bathroom only to find it deserted.  
  
"Where'd they take him?"  
  
"I thought we had defeated them all!"  
  
"No, we didn't! Snape Lego wasn't there!"  
  
"By poot, you're right!"  
  
Suddenly there was an evil cackling sound. The General and the Colonel spun on the spot and saw Harry and Snape Lego, only Harry looked..different.  
  
"Hi you two! I'm Snape Lego, you may know me from before, and I've possessed Harry! Isn't that wonderful?"  
  
"Harry? Are you okay?"  
  
"Of course he's not okay! He's possessed! Duh, Colonel!"  
  
"But why would you possess Harry?"  
  
"Because my mouth is painted on and I can't talk by myself! Duh, General! No more questions!"  
  
Apparently, Snape Lego had possessed Harry, or so our sources have told us.  
  
"Uh, Snape Lego?"  
  
"Yes, Colonel?"  
  
"No offense, but you are three inches tall, leading an army of three inch tall plastic figurines, most of whom are now fallen, and you've possessed the puny body of a fourteen year old wizard who can't fight for beans."  
  
"Your point?"  
  
"It's a bit hopeless, don't you think?"  
  
"..You really think so?"  
  
"Yeah, Hermione's right, maybe you should just give up."  
  
"..Alright, alright. But can we..you know.."  
  
Hermione and Ron grinned.  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Wouldn't have it any other way."  
  
"Oh goody!"  
  
FLUSH.  
  
And so, Hermione, Ron, and Snape Lego watched as Harry coughed and sputtered and tried to once again dislodge his head from the toilet. Or loo. Or privy. Or john. Yeah, john, we'll stick with john.  
  
A little while later, as Harry still struggled, Hermione, Ron, and Snape Lego (well, maybe not Snape Lego, since he can't talk) started up a rousing tune.  
  
"All we are saaaaayiiiing..is give cheese a chaaaaance.."  
  
"Er, guys? I don't think that's how the song goes."  
  
&%&  
  
Wow!! I actually made a second chapter! I feel so..accomplished, or something.  
  
Anyhoo, you know the drill. If it's liked, I'll make another chapter! Yay! So, please review and keep those positive affirmations coming!  
  
|| || (^-^) (\o o/)  
  
Hm..I have no clue what that thing is. I'm naming it Weeble. 


End file.
